Pick Up The Phone - A Humorous Solo for a Female

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Pick Up the Phone

By: Jared Stull



Phone: Ring…Ring…Ring…Ring… Please leave a message at the beep *BEEP*


Carrie: - Hey, Drew! Um, hey...how's it going? It's Carrie here. So, I missed earth science yesterday and Mrs. Evans told me to get the notes for the test from you. So, could you please email those on over. Thanks, champ. 


(To herself) - Champ? (presses *) Thanks...champ?! What...


Phone: If you are satisfied with your message, press 1. If you would like to record again, press 2.


Carrie presses 2


Phone: BEEEP


Carrie: Hey, Drew! It's Carrie, here. I missed earth science yesterday and Mrs. Evans said you had the notes, so...can I get those from you? I thought about texting you, but this seemed more...intimate. Um, wait. That's not what I meant. More personal. Yeah, personal...


Carrie presses *


Phone: If you are satisfied with your message, press 1. If you would like to record again, press 2.


Carrie presses 2


Phone: BEEEP


Carrie: Hey, Drew. Carrie. I need the notes from earth science, so email them to me, k? Byeeee!


Carrie presses *


Carrie: What am I doing? "K, byeee?! Seriously, what is wrong with me?


Phone: If you are satisfied with your message, press 1. If you would like to record again, press 2.


Carrie presses 2


Phone: BEEEP


Carrie: Hi, it's Carrie. I sit next to you in earth science. I noticed your jacket today. It looked...warm. Um, anyway, notes. I need the notes from class. Did I just tell you your jacket looked warm? I can't even...it looked warm? Of course, it's warm! It's a freaking jacket! 


Carrie presses *


Carrie: That's like saying your tank top looks sleeveless.


Phone: If you are satisfied with your message, press 1. If you would like to record again, press 2.


Carrie presses 2


Phone: BEEEP


Carrie: (At a loss for words…) ARGHHHH! Why isn’t there a pause button?!


Carrie presses *


Phone: If you are satisfied with your message, press 1. If you would like to record again, press 2.


Carrie presses 2


Phone: BEEEP


Carrie: It's me again...NOOO!


Carrie presses *


Phone: If you are satisfied with your message, press 1. If you would like to record again, press 2.


Carrie presses 2


Phone: BEEEP


Carrie: You know what, I guess I can just say whatever I want because I'm just going to delete this anyway and re-record it. So, Brock told me you thought I was the prettiest 9th grader. Well, you're the handsomest 9th grader. 


Do you have a girlfriend right now? I could be your girlfriend. I guess. Since all the other boys are super cringe. 


Also, thanks for saying happy birthday. Even though I know Rachel bribed you to say it...it still meant a lot. Hey, easiest $5 ever, right?!


I'm just going to say it: You seem really nice, and I just want to get to know you better because you seem like someone I could be really good friends with. Like Ryan Reynolds, but Free Guy Ryan Reynolds, not Dead Pool Ryan Reynolds. Wouldn't it be cool if he came out with a hip hop album and called it Reynolds Rap? Tag line could be "Keeping the rhymes fresh, like your salad!" 


Geez, there I go rambling again. Just like I do every time I get around you, because guess what; I've been in love with you for the whole year. I even wrote you an angsty Christmas song. Do you want to hear it? Of course you don’t want to hear it! I wish I could un-hear it!  I talked to Mr. Ritchie for 2 minutes about a completely made-up assignment which doesn't even exist just so I could stand next to you!! Sigh. You smell like apples and freshly chopped wood. Sigh.  


Anyways, time to re-record this. 


Carrie presses *


Phone: Message queue is full. Messages have been sent.. 


Carrie: What?!


Phone: Good bye.


Carrie: (Redials) Please, please, please!


Phone: I'm sorry. Mailbox is full.


Carrie: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! (hangs up)


Carrie: Siri, flights to Antarctica...leaving today.

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